Married People Are No Fun

So tonight I am writing my blog because I have thoughts on my mind. (Imagine!) A couple of friends have recently blogged about being single. I've really enjoyed reading the thoughts on their minds. So here I go!

Married people are no fun. --- My younger brother

Because I decided not to go to a movie with him tonight even though I wasn't really doing much because my husband went to hang out with his friends and I went to a ward potluck dinner where not many people attended but it was my responsibility to set up and plan it and clean up so when I came home and realized I had to wash the dishes and finish the laundry and iron our clothes for tomorrow and wet-swiffer the kitchen floor and scrub mold off the bathroom ceiling (hey, the rent's affordable), I knew I couldn't go out and play more when most of the day we spend doing "entertainment" activities (actually really awesome ones) like going to a falconry competition and seeing a musical at the Hale and definitely NOT spending our Saturday getting things ready for Sunday.

So yeah, married people are no fun.

"Marriage is the tomb of friendship. It appears to me a very selfish state. Why do people, in general, as soon as they are married, centre all their cares, their concerns, and pleasures in their own families? Former acquaintances are neglected or forgotten. The tenderest ties between friends are weakened, or dissolved; and benevolence itself moves in a very limited sphere." ---Hannah Foster, "The Coquette"

It's from a book I read in a Women Writers of the 19th Century class I took while pursuing my English degree at USU. Basically it's a moral tale where a girl is too too flirty and gets her tragic comeuppance while her best friend gets married the proper way and gains the desired reward. So after she says this her friend writes back:

"It is the glory of the marriage state to refine by circumscribing our enjoyments. Here we can repose in safety."

I cannot deny that I have felt the glory of the marriage state, refining my enjoyments, reposing in the safety and company of my husband. I have reveled in the realization that if I don't want to go out, I don't have to go out - I can sit at home in a sweatshirt, wrapped up in a blanket, watch a mediocre chick flick, and it's totally fine. Reposing in safety.

But neither can I deny that some of the tenderest ties I have had with my friends have become weakened. Former acquaintances are neglected and yes, even forgotten. Of course I will hang out with my little brother soon - that's not the point. Friends are different from family, in this case because I probably won't be running into them at the next Sunday dinner. In fact, I'll probably only be running into them when we reach out to each other and make a plan to do such.

Which suddenly has become a difficult feat whilst I'm reposing here in safety.

So, the obligatory obvious cavet: Marriage is happy and I love it and I love my husband and I would never go back and change things, because I'm super positive that this is the right and best thing, and I mean it! (If you know me at all you know I actually do feel this way, and that I'm just throwing it in for balance....)

Still, my gain has come with some loss, some grief, and some pain. The companionship and closeness of froomates - you know, friends+roommates; the energy and excitement from living in a cute little house with 6 women and 6 times the trauma/drama; and the tender ties of hearts knit together in Relief Society in singles wards, bonds forged from the shared trial of singledom, a sisterhood of which I feel no longer a part.

In all the awesomeness that has been my newlywed-ness, I haven't yet dealt with, though I have felt the pain, of the "leaving behind" of treasured parts of my life.

So I grieve for these losses.