"I'm not going to teach what the manual says to teach," my coworker told me. She was talking about how she teaches the Young Women of her ward, has a 17 year old daughter herself, and has been going through a difficult divorce. "I want to know what you think, what I should tell these girls instead."
"Why?" I wondered. "What does the manual say?"
"Oh, you know - Prince Returned Missionary finds the beautiful young woman, carries her up to the castle on the hill, everything after is perfect... I'm not telling them that. I'm not perpetuating untruths! I fell for it. I won't do that to them.
"That's why I'm asking lots of people their opinion. What would YOU say to them? What advice would you give on the subject of marriage to a group of 12-18 year old girls?"
So I decided to respond. Good thing I don't have much to do at work - this is all I did the rest of the day. Here's what I said:
I do think many times we are led to believe that marriage is the goal, the end, the finish line. We seem to feel that being single is a disease that is cured by marriage. (And then we'll never be sick again!) Or that we're playing a game in life where those who get married are the winners. Too many times I'm afraid that lots of girls are taught that marriage is a reward: that if you're righteous enough as you grow up, if you keep the commandments and make good choices, God will give you a good husband, and you'll be happy forever after.
This is a dangerous and unfair outlook. Not only does it imply that those who haven't married or who don't marry are failures or sinners or simply flawed, it also suggests that all us need to be thinking about is marriage, marriage all the time. Find a boy, get a boy, marry the boy, and ding ding ding!! you're a winner.
Calm down, everybody. It doesn't work like that. Even in "The Game of LIFE" getting married is only in the first little part of the game. You still have your whole life afterwards!
Yes, I do have the goal to marry in the temple some day.
No. I have the goal to be a person who is worthy enough to marry someone worthy in the temple someday. I have faith to marry in the temple someday.
There are two action parts of that faith: one depends on me, and the other, doesn't. The part that depends on me is what kind of person I am. So I'm working at being the kind of person not only that someone else can love, but one that I love.
I ask myself, Self, "If you were to get married tomorrow, are you prepared to be a good spouse? Would you bring to your marriage personal qualities that would make you a good partner? Are you a good communicator? Are you a good problem solver? Do you have skills to create a nurturing climate in your home? Do you have enough faith, hope, and charity to create a marriage that will survive and thrive?" (Sister Beck's talk)
Sound scary, doesn't it? Then, I remember how not everything depends on me. Actually, only a third of it does - the other thirds belong to whomever I walk into the sealing room with that day, and to God.
It still sounds like a lot of hard work. Well, it is. It's not rainbows, unicorns and sprinkles. I know I'll be happy, but only if I learn how to be happy right now. "Wake up and do something more than dream of your mansion above!"
Even Sister Beck said in a recent CES fireside that "there is no magical prince" coming to sweep you away.
If your life has good parts and difficult parts right now, that's what it'll be like when you get married. You can't think that it'll solve all your problems. You can't think that any little nagging thing you don't like about yourself will just go away when you have someone else in your life. Instead it'll be magnified, as will any little nagging problems with him.
So when we talk about preparing for a temple marriage, what we're really saying is, prepare yourself to be a good person. BE a good person right now! In the words to a song I love ("Concrete Bed" by Nada Surf), "To find someone you love, you gotta be someone you love."
Sister Beck emphasizes that there's no guy out there who "will gladly appreciate unclean or unpleasant habits or a careless appearance in you. Yes, a righteous man will love you for what is in your mind and heart, but he will be even more grateful for a woman who values cleanliness and loveliness in herself and in her surroundings. Righteous men are drawn to women who have radiant countenances. Also, no righteous priesthood holder will willingly tolerate a pornography habit in his wife, nor will he appreciate her displaying and advertising her precious body to other men by the tight or otherwise immodest and inappropriate ways she dresses and conducts herself. Additionally, I have yet to meet a man who enjoys dramatic emotional displays and temper tantrums. There is no mate who will cheerfully overlook selfishness.
Now is your season to develop righteous and respectful habits and Christlike qualities such as kindness and long-suffering that will bless your future home and family.
I believe that marriage is something that happens. You can't plan for it - you can't think, "Ok, i'll go to school, graduate, then find someone great and get married." You can't be obsessed by it. You can't know now when that's going to happen. So don't plan on it...but be ready for it. I know - that sounds like a contradiction. What do I mean by that?
One lazy Saturday in the middle of a semester at Utah State University, I woke up with tons of things to do that day. I planned it out: do my laundry, clean the kitchen, practice violin, finish homework, and write a letter to my little sister on a mission. I was perfectly content to finish the things I planned to get done that day. By about 3:30 I was a little bored of just working around the house and I wanted to go out, to go play, but no one was around. So I decided to continue with my plans, and I was sitting on the floor writing to my sister and watching a movie when all my roommates piled in to the living room. "Hey, we're going down to Ogden to run some errands, want to come?" I thought about it and realized I did want to. I hadn't finished everything on my list, and I was in the middle of something else by then, but I'd worked hard and though I had other plans, I was ready when someone called. I feel like that's how I need to live my life right now: I make plans (go to college, get a job, always learning and doing new things), and I enjoy them, but at the same moment I'm ready to change those plans if it's called for. Imagine how sick I would feel if I'd sat around all day worrying and wondering when someone would come over and invite me to do something! Instead I was able to get a lot done and split my time evenly. I also wasn't so caught up in my own plans that I couldn't put them aside to enjoy myself with friends for a while. Plus, the next day was Sunday and I could use the afternoon to write letters. I just feel like things will happen when they happen, and to always have a plan just in case it's not happening.
Incidentally...I also believe that God wants us to marry because He wants us to be happy, and no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves, we need other people to be truly happy. So if He wants it, He will definitely help us as we work toward it. I know it.
"Why?" I wondered. "What does the manual say?"
"Oh, you know - Prince Returned Missionary finds the beautiful young woman, carries her up to the castle on the hill, everything after is perfect... I'm not telling them that. I'm not perpetuating untruths! I fell for it. I won't do that to them.
"That's why I'm asking lots of people their opinion. What would YOU say to them? What advice would you give on the subject of marriage to a group of 12-18 year old girls?"
So I decided to respond. Good thing I don't have much to do at work - this is all I did the rest of the day. Here's what I said:
I do think many times we are led to believe that marriage is the goal, the end, the finish line. We seem to feel that being single is a disease that is cured by marriage. (And then we'll never be sick again!) Or that we're playing a game in life where those who get married are the winners. Too many times I'm afraid that lots of girls are taught that marriage is a reward: that if you're righteous enough as you grow up, if you keep the commandments and make good choices, God will give you a good husband, and you'll be happy forever after.
This is a dangerous and unfair outlook. Not only does it imply that those who haven't married or who don't marry are failures or sinners or simply flawed, it also suggests that all us need to be thinking about is marriage, marriage all the time. Find a boy, get a boy, marry the boy, and ding ding ding!! you're a winner.
Calm down, everybody. It doesn't work like that. Even in "The Game of LIFE" getting married is only in the first little part of the game. You still have your whole life afterwards!
Yes, I do have the goal to marry in the temple some day.
No. I have the goal to be a person who is worthy enough to marry someone worthy in the temple someday. I have faith to marry in the temple someday.
There are two action parts of that faith: one depends on me, and the other, doesn't. The part that depends on me is what kind of person I am. So I'm working at being the kind of person not only that someone else can love, but one that I love.
I ask myself, Self, "If you were to get married tomorrow, are you prepared to be a good spouse? Would you bring to your marriage personal qualities that would make you a good partner? Are you a good communicator? Are you a good problem solver? Do you have skills to create a nurturing climate in your home? Do you have enough faith, hope, and charity to create a marriage that will survive and thrive?" (Sister Beck's talk)
Sound scary, doesn't it? Then, I remember how not everything depends on me. Actually, only a third of it does - the other thirds belong to whomever I walk into the sealing room with that day, and to God.
It still sounds like a lot of hard work. Well, it is. It's not rainbows, unicorns and sprinkles. I know I'll be happy, but only if I learn how to be happy right now. "Wake up and do something more than dream of your mansion above!"
Even Sister Beck said in a recent CES fireside that "there is no magical prince" coming to sweep you away.
If your life has good parts and difficult parts right now, that's what it'll be like when you get married. You can't think that it'll solve all your problems. You can't think that any little nagging thing you don't like about yourself will just go away when you have someone else in your life. Instead it'll be magnified, as will any little nagging problems with him.
So when we talk about preparing for a temple marriage, what we're really saying is, prepare yourself to be a good person. BE a good person right now! In the words to a song I love ("Concrete Bed" by Nada Surf), "To find someone you love, you gotta be someone you love."
Sister Beck emphasizes that there's no guy out there who "will gladly appreciate unclean or unpleasant habits or a careless appearance in you. Yes, a righteous man will love you for what is in your mind and heart, but he will be even more grateful for a woman who values cleanliness and loveliness in herself and in her surroundings. Righteous men are drawn to women who have radiant countenances. Also, no righteous priesthood holder will willingly tolerate a pornography habit in his wife, nor will he appreciate her displaying and advertising her precious body to other men by the tight or otherwise immodest and inappropriate ways she dresses and conducts herself. Additionally, I have yet to meet a man who enjoys dramatic emotional displays and temper tantrums. There is no mate who will cheerfully overlook selfishness.
Now is your season to develop righteous and respectful habits and Christlike qualities such as kindness and long-suffering that will bless your future home and family.
Please understand what I just said. I want you to know that your imperfections and weaknesses will go with you into your marriage and will be magnified in that setting. Unless you are getting married today, you still have time to eliminate bad habits and develop good habits and qualities that will bless your marriage and family. President Thomas S. Monson has taught, "It is worthwhile to look ahead, to set a course, to be at least partly ready when the moment of decision comes."6
I believe that marriage is something that happens. You can't plan for it - you can't think, "Ok, i'll go to school, graduate, then find someone great and get married." You can't be obsessed by it. You can't know now when that's going to happen. So don't plan on it...but be ready for it. I know - that sounds like a contradiction. What do I mean by that?
One lazy Saturday in the middle of a semester at Utah State University, I woke up with tons of things to do that day. I planned it out: do my laundry, clean the kitchen, practice violin, finish homework, and write a letter to my little sister on a mission. I was perfectly content to finish the things I planned to get done that day. By about 3:30 I was a little bored of just working around the house and I wanted to go out, to go play, but no one was around. So I decided to continue with my plans, and I was sitting on the floor writing to my sister and watching a movie when all my roommates piled in to the living room. "Hey, we're going down to Ogden to run some errands, want to come?" I thought about it and realized I did want to. I hadn't finished everything on my list, and I was in the middle of something else by then, but I'd worked hard and though I had other plans, I was ready when someone called. I feel like that's how I need to live my life right now: I make plans (go to college, get a job, always learning and doing new things), and I enjoy them, but at the same moment I'm ready to change those plans if it's called for. Imagine how sick I would feel if I'd sat around all day worrying and wondering when someone would come over and invite me to do something! Instead I was able to get a lot done and split my time evenly. I also wasn't so caught up in my own plans that I couldn't put them aside to enjoy myself with friends for a while. Plus, the next day was Sunday and I could use the afternoon to write letters. I just feel like things will happen when they happen, and to always have a plan just in case it's not happening.
Incidentally...I also believe that God wants us to marry because He wants us to be happy, and no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves, we need other people to be truly happy. So if He wants it, He will definitely help us as we work toward it. I know it.
3 comments:
Whew. We seem to be having similar thoughts lately. Coincedence?
I loved how you explained that marriage is not a cure to a disease or a reward. Its the next step and just like being a kid, and then being a teenager, and now being single has its issues so does marriage. I feel like a lot of girls do go into marriage thinking that they've won the prize and I think they might be a little dissapointed. I don't envy them. My friend Steph told me a few years ago that she thought I would be the first of our group of friends to get married (boy did I prove her wrong!) when I asked her why she thought that she said it was because I was mature. I laughed and told her that immature people get married all the time. And for them its got to be a huge reality check.
Next, I do believe that love and marriage is something that happens to you but at the same time its a choice. Love is a verb. You can be prepared and ready but you do need to act. I've told you before I'm not so worried about not being given the opportunity to marry so much as being given the opportunity and not being 100% about the person presented. Does that make sense? We have our agency when it comes to marriage. Its something we choose to do.
Good blog. You should teach that YW's lesson.
How did the lady respond to your amazing retort?
So I just finished reading your post. Wow! I agree one hundred and twenty percent with all that you said. I really liked this statement: "I have the goal to be a person who is worthy enough to marry someone worthy in the temple someday. I have faith to marry in the temple someday." That's it entirely. I think we dwell too much on marriage as the end goal. And it it not! The goal is to a good marriage catch, it you will. Although I think that marriage is considered a prize by our Heavenly Father. We cannot attain the fullness of all of His blessings in the Celestial Kingdom without being married. So, marriage is a big deal. Oh, I should say marriage is a big spiritual, celestial deal. It is not necessarily a big temporal deal.
I think, no I know that people look at single people as diseased, or not spiritual enough or righteous enough or personally flawed. Basically something is not right with them. Both male and female single people. Although, sadly men get it the worst. What I think a lot of people fail to realize is that there is a host in heaven who died during the many great wars in this world. Specifically a host of men who have died. Are they not going to be blessed with an eternal marriage because they died prematurely? I would love to say to women all over the world, not mention people in general, that these men were promised eternal mates. Perhaps some of us wonderful single people are the mates these people were promised.
Every time that I watch the Joseph Smith movie at the JSMB I always fall in love with Alvin. When he dies without being married I am so sad for him. But then my next thought is "I will try to be good enough in this life so that perhaps Alvin might could be my eternal mate." And who can find anything wrong with that? I think we overlook the ones who have passed on before us and the blessings that they too were promised. Are they any less God's children than we?
Furthermore, I think that we need to look at marriage as a spiritual goal. Yes, some lucky people get their spiritual goal realized in this mortality. Good for them! But as I like to tell the single people I'm around, perhaps God sees our strength and knows that we can and will wait for death before our spiritual goal is realized. We are the chosen strong ones. Those others who find their mate are not and were not able to be that strong.
Then there are those of us who settle. They believe that this marriage proposal is going to be their last or only. Then they have society and family and even church members pushing them into these relationships. I hate to see people settle. I want to say ask them if they see themselves as of such little worth. Why would you want to spend your life with someone you are not in love with, that you don't feel is the right one? Is being able to write Mrs. Somebody worth that to you? Look at how many people get divorced or have miserable marriages because one or the other had not the strength or ability to say "no, this isn't right. I am worth right." I feel sorry for these people. I have friends and acquaintances who I feel have settled and I grieve for them, for what they could have had, for their low self worth. It just saddens me.
If I were to teach a lesson to young women about marriage I would spend most of the time talking about self worth. I would tell them that they are worth having someone wonderful fall in love with them. They need to be strong enough to say no to the wrong someone, regardless if they think his is their only hope. You need to realize the strength that God sees in you. You need to recognize your amazing potential. You need to make yourself ready and desirous for marriage, but you also need to make yourself ready and desirous for a life of singleness. Being single is not bad. Who knows maybe a man of "large stature" is waiting for you on the other side. More important than marriage is self worth. And that is what I would want to help the girls understand. Marriage is a wonderful blessing that will be given to everyone, be it in this life or the next. In the meantime however, you need to learn to love yourself. You need to love who you are, who you can be and who God sees that you are. Everyone has amazing potential. Realize it. Marriage will come when it's time. In the meantime enjoy life and all that it has to offer.
That was a bit of tangent, but I believe it all. I wish what you wrote, what I wrote, what mom and I just discussed for a while would be taught more and accepted and propagated more church and world wide. One of my blogs last month dealt a little bit with this subject and dating in general. I think we all have this on the brain. Although, I loved being absent from my single's ward for the last three weeks. Although, I enjoy my ward and the people there, it keeps me ever conscious of my singleness. Most Sundays I tend to think and dwell more on it than any other day of the week. It was nice to have a three week reprieve.
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